On Acknowledgement and Acceptance

     Anybody who knows me well will tell you that I have a bad habit of bottling up my emotion's or even articulate my feelings and/or emotions.  Bottling up my feelings and emotions is harmful to not only myself but to everyone around me.  I have tried other ways of bleeding off my feelings and emotions.  In the end, acknowledgement and acceptance was what I needed to try and better myself.

     Yes, I internalize everything in my life.  Someone tells me I'm wrong or tells me I'm stupid for this, that or the other will drag me down so fast.  I will stew on it for days or weeks.  Hell, some things from my childhood will come up in memory and I will flood with shame and embarrassment.  I always kept it to myself.  I have always been to ashamed of myself to allow anyone else in.  I always thought (and still do) 'I am strong enough to handle my own shit!'.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered I was wrong.  I'm…  Wrong…  That is even a tough one for me to sit on.  For most people I assume, it passes through them like wind.  There one second, gone the next.  But I hold on to it.  I don't like to be "wrong".  I fear it.  So I hold it in and beat myself up mentally with it.  People will ask "What's wrong?"  and my response is nothing.  Let the mental self flogging begin.

     I have tried keeping a journal to bleed off the feelings and emotions into the book.  My thought was along the lines of "I will put them all in the book and that will be that!".  That did not work so well.  It helped me work my way through my feelings but I would always get stuck trying to explain some complex feeling or emotion that I did not have the vocabulary to explain.  That can be a downward spiral for me.  My dad got me an 80 lb heavy bag when I was in high school and that was a helpful for the angry feelings.  15 years later in an apartment, not so practical.

     I came to a realization last night.  If I stopped trying to find the absolute description of what I am feeling and just use the base description, I can acknowledge what I am feeling.  Once I have done that I can think a little more clearly to move to the next step.  What I did was, I stopped and sat down.  I had an idea and I wanted to do this scientifically, so controlled environment.  I thought about my problem.  Could be people pissing you off, pretty girls/guys or something you overheard.  It doesn't matter what it is as long as it is something that will weigh on your mind.  I attached the base description to the subject, anger, attraction, fear…  Then to do something which was impossible before.  I had to accept it.

'I am angry, and I am OK with that.'

'That person is beautiful, and I am OK with that.'

'I am afraid of upcoming events, I am OK with that.'

     I did not just have to accept it.  I had to accept it in my mind and my heart.  And when I came out of that, I really was OK with it.  I have found something that works for me for now.  Maybe it can help someone else, that is why I am sharing this with all of you.

     I don't have answers, only ideas.  Things change, and with change comes new ideas and new choices.